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The Mother of all Morning Sickness

February 15, 2017

The Mother of all Morning Sickness

It’s been oh so quiet here on my poor abandoned crumbling blog…and not so much in my overworked toxic waste collecting bathroom.

I look back now and it seems so long ago, a distant and hazy (well perhaps consciously blocked) memory.

Morning Sickness. Morning Sickness from hell.

Who coined the term ‘morning’, because I need to speak with them about that. That would have been so nice, morning only. No, this was the most all consuming, debilitating, constant nausea and vomiting I have ever experienced in a pregnancy yet. All the bloody time.

Imagine your worst ever hang over – and not being able to escape it for about 5 months. Sad face.

Except this is supposed to be surrounded with joy and cheer, “Congratulations, a new baby is on the way!!” but I just felt like I was dying. Ugh.

Yes, I am Pregnant. Pregnant with a capital P, with the strongest morning sickness hormones I have ever experienced, raging completely out of control, taking over my whole life. Thank goodness that chapter is over!

So our little family of four will soon become a party five. I am very excited, I love children and I love adding to my nest.

But this was not the case 8 dreadfully long months ago.

I felt sick, I felt old, I felt tired and I still feel like I can never ever do that again. I would have loved to have had 4 or even 5 children but this pregnancy has scarred me for life. Meanwhile hubby is secretly quite relieved.

Here are some highlights from the worst of it, if you can stomach the read…

Week 4: Hubby is at work and I can’t move out of bed. In the distance I can hear children so I know they are still alive, and from the mess he finds later it’s apparent they have eaten – we are all barely surviving.

Evidence they are somewhat fed…

Week 5: I feel like rapunzel locked away in her castle except the long hair is replaced by my leg & eyebrow hair that has not been waxed or groomed for so long it’s reached epic proportions and the knight in shining armour is my husband coming home just in time to change the horrific poo smell coming from the youngest one. Smells = vomit(s)

Week 6: I’m slowly being tortured by the baby growing inside of me, it’s sucking the absolute life out of me and it feels like it’s killing me from the inside out while the ready made children are doing the exact same thing, except killing me from the outside in.

Welcome to week 7; do not pass go, do collect any food and go directly to hospital – for a drip(s). Not keeping down anything…even sips of water. WTF, it’s only week 7!  Interestingly I overhear a conversation in hospital between 2 doctors about a woman who has been rushed to the birthing suite going into labor at 7 months pregnant, yet she is completely unaware that she is in fact pregnant. Who the f@!k is this lady?! Here I am dying right from the first few weeks of conception and VERY aware of each minute of this pregnancy! Kill me now.

At least it’s quiet in hospital

Week 8: vomiting strawberry milk on the children’s feet whilst showering with them was interesting…

Week 9: I walk past the kitchen and my nose is greeted with the wafting odour of chicken schnitzels and crumbed prawns being cooked. Normally such a welcomed smell. This time, it provokes an instant vomit. Argh. Kill me again.

Week 10: It’s my birthday! (insert sarcasm) I can’t even look at my phone to reply to all the birthday messages coming through as the scrolling motion gives me vertigo, and then I vomit. I can’t even look at the walls in our house because the pattern of the double brick also spins me out and brings on the big V. Happy Bloody Birthday. Yes it was wonderful, thanks for asking…

Week 11: So far I’ve lost weight, I can’t eat, I’m bedridden, the morning sickness medication does not work, my hair is a hot mess and I don’t trust myself to even kiss the children goodnight before they go to bed. Not without repercussions if you get what I mean…How the heck am I going to get through the next 29 weeks!

Fast forward to week 30… What a great time to start a full on house renovation!

Enter builders, plumbers, sparkies, carpet/aircon/painter/security/kitchen guys, did I miss anyone?? at 7:30 am everyday for 6 weeks! Oh, and exit husband for seasonal work, impeccable timing!

Goodbye old kitchen…

This created one hell of a mess which became depressing and exhausting trying to clean up at the end of each day to even be able to sit down somewhere clean(ish) without dust. We had no kitchen, no water, limited power; the will to cook food was at an all time low because it meant I had to clean the dust & grime off of all of the plates/cutlery/makeshift table before even starting etc then attempt washing up in our tiny ensuite sink afterwards while juggling a huge protruding baby bump and 2 children who thought all the tradies power tools were there solely for their enjoyment/entertainment. Not the most fun ever.

…hello temporary kitchen and truckloads of filth

Thankfully it’s mostly all done now with mainly minor last minute details to finish and with a baby due in just under a month it couldn’t have come at a more welcome time. The chance to relax and and enjoy the new space will be pretty nice too before the baby comes along.

Oh, one last final insult to the last stages of this pregnancy…being diagnosed with gestational diabetes. That’s right, now that I can eat, I can’t eat. Finger pricks, blood testing, carb counting, food diaries, remembering what time I ate…one last slap in the face before this baby is born.



Munching Madness

February 23, 2016

Recently I had to run a few errands with both children in tow.

Now, I’m sure every mother alive knows my pain; getting children in and out of the car downright sucks and it usually takes longer than the actual task itself.

A pain in every lovely mothers ass.

As a spontaneous reward to the little darlings for behaving so well on our ‘quest’ I asked if they would like to go for a special treat of hot chips and milkshakes at the ‘big’ hotel.

Delighted little nodding faces assured me they were in a good and somewhat focused mood that would allow for a pleasant experience for all involved.

Continue Reading…


The Pub Toilet

November 17, 2015

I never knew too much about it myself to begin with as I didn’t have a brother growing up so I wasn’t even aware. Later when I heard snippets of various mother’s conversations about the topic I never thought it could be that bad. They must be over dramatising it. Surely. Turns out those mothers were wrong: it was much, much worse than I could have ever have imagined.

Toilet training boys…Number ones. Wee. Wizz.

Teaching the precision art of aim; without having the actual equipment yourself.

Something that I wish I wasn’t so clued up on but unfortunately I am. With my previous career experience and now with a son of my own I am all too familiar with the epic fails that can happen in the toilet training business. And beyond. One of my first days as a wide eyed young child care trainee I was horrified to find a toy car sitting at the bottom of the children’s (clean) toilet. ‘EWWW, I am not getting that out of there‘ I thought to myself. That was early days. Very early days. From that moment on my visual tolerance level for anything disgusting, stinky and vile that a child can do has drastically risen. Because once you have seen someone else’s little darling vomit up fritz and sauce sandwiches, and then had to clean it up, that shit gives you iron guts. Or you can never ever eat fritz again. Or maybe a bit of both.

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Heavy Breathing

October 14, 2015
The joys of putting baby to bed


Silent swift and stealth is what you have to be.

Bed time!

Say no more. The pinnacle of every parents evening. If we can just get through this last epic task we are home free…WineOclock! Sleep is such an underrated thing to those without the joys of children. Party all night and sleep all day; enjoy it while you can people.(Evil laugh) Fast forward a few years singeltons and it begins in pregnancy. You can’t sleep on your back. You must lay on your left side. Use the support of pillows. Blah blah blah. I was always so damn hot I would have to sleep near naked, giant tummy mountain blazing in full glory taking somewhat relief in the overhead fan pelting down from above. Meanwhile dear Muž would be a wearing a snow suit and 2 quilts as it was approaching the middle of winter…or sleeping on the couch. Apparently pregnant people snore too. As if…Pft. Continue Reading…


Arsenic Hour

October 1, 2015

There is no way around it. It has to happen eventually and the longer I put it off the worse they get. It starts at around 3:30pm, the afternoon hunger kicks in and I hear the fridge getting raided followed by sneaky little footsteps running to the couch. Giggles. Crumbs (I hate crumbs! And since when did we eat on the couch?) containers opening and rustling packages.


He is hungry again. He is always hungry. Hungry as in he ate whole T-bone steaks for dinner from age 2 and would would eat mine too if I wasn’t quick enough. He would never starve. He has quite good food related survival skills. And he is great at sharing with his little sister. Bonus! The other day I caught him feeding Juju and himself ice cream hiding behind the huge chair in the nursery. “Here you go Darling” he said, feeding one scoop to her followed by one scoop for him. So cute! I must admit I felt proud like a puffed up Mama pigeon at just how well he was sharing with her (and how little mess he had made!) but also slightly appalled that it was only 9:00am in the morning…Pick your battles.

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Hide and Seek

September 21, 2015
Chanel pearl earrings

There is always a game of hide and seek going on at our house.
Sometimes it’s the game when we all know we are playing. The traditional favourite where one counts and the rest hide. An equal playing field. This game gets much more fun as the little ones get older and understand the concept of the rules. (and willingly follow them!)
We have recently moved into quite a large new home so it’s now an extra fun game with some really sneaky hiding spots that you could literally set up camp in and not be found for days. Sounds dreamy huh.
Continue Reading…